Still Construction-ing. And Unpacking

So . . . I was kind of chuckling to myself this morning.  In moving in before our house was totally done, we are living with a few things we normally wouldnt have.  But it is fun and fine just funny.  We still have various contractors wandering in and out.  Inspectors as well.  We have a pile of drills, nails, screws, light bulbs, and various other tool type items on one part of my kitchen counter.  I still am using my levels and stud finder as I put up towel hooks, and various other finishing touch type things.  It has been fine and funny. 
I have a huge stack of boxes now out of the container which are in my guest room that I am slowly going thru.  My purging has been pretty brutal so far and will continue to be.  I have no intention of storing stuff I dont need.  It is kind of a nice feeling to be sorting.  The things you find when unpacking is always interesting though and you wonder "why??"  Yesterday, I opened a box up which I must have gotten from my Mom in May.  Logical that I had  it but weird.  It was a box of my Dad's trip memorobila from visiting Mongolia.  I so wanted to call him up and chat about the stuff in there.  These stab wounds of greif are interesting to process. 

MOVING!!!

This is a monumental morning post.  I am sitting in the living room at my new house!  Granted there is currently only one chair in here, but hey, I am here.  Yesterday we finished packing up the shipping container that has been in our yard at our other house and moved it over here.  We didn't get much unloaded out of it last night, but enough to camp in our new house.  Somehow the sheets for our bed were thrown farther up in the container and so we slept in sleeping bags on our mattresses.  Got my sons bed put together and made up - I had his sheets.  We had inspections called in for finals this week and the inspectors hadn't shown up by the end of the week and we decided we were moving anyway.  So we did.  We have some help coming today and so should be able to get the container unloaded and furniture put in the correct locations.  It should be a busy day.  I am planning to unpack into the guest room and sort from there.  I am kind of in the purging mode and so plan to take anything I don't need or want to the dump / thrift store / garage sale / etc.  It is so nice to be moving into our very own house. 
We hadn't really realized how much we have felt like we were camping and in temporary mode for the last few years.  Really about since we moved back.  We did a ton of fixing up on the house and ranch, but it was not really ours alone and so while we took ownership of it, we knew it wasn't ours and that we would be moving.  Our temporary stay there lasted so much longer than we thought it would and so kept us in the "camping" stage.  As we were unloading some stuff yesterday it just felt so different.  Like this is OUR house, OUR home.  We love to host people and here we have the ability to do that and God has blessed us with a beautiful home and location to do it in.  We are thrilled!  It has been a lot of fun, and a lot of work getting to this stage but we are finally here.  I am sure it will continue to be an adventure as we pioneer our place, but we are definitely excited to be here.  Living off the grid should be interesting especially in the snow.  Yesterday it was cloudy and the solar panels were snow covered and so we had to turn the generator on right off the bat.  But our house is warm.  We have insulation!  What a novel idea.  And this wood stove puts out a lot of heat.  We really wanted to get moved in before the weekend as the highs for the next several days are only in the 20's. 
I will try to post some pictures once we have some furniture in the living room - where the chop saw was not too long ago.  :)  Our cell phones don't work all that well here - though we do get messages kind of.  But the Internet is up and running. 

Countertops

My two elves showed up again today.  What a fun treat.  We all worked hard all day and got all the laminate on the tops of all the kitchen cupboards and island.  It looks so good!  We were quite impressed with ourselves.  The glue was pretty stinky and so we were all a bit off, but we all had fun and enjoyed working together.  These two guys have been a huge blessing and joy to have around and working on this project.  The time spent has been fun.  Cris and I have done a lot of the finish work ourselves.  Well truly, he has done the work and I have been his little elf, and go-fer,  but we have enjoyed the time working with them both.  It is fun to work with someone who knows so well what they are doing.  Watching Crispin build is like watching an artist paint, skilled and creative. 

Merry Christmas

This is my first Christmas without my Dad.  It has been such a long and interesting and challenging year.  It is odd to think that just last year at this time we were beginning the roller coaster we have been on and we all have survived.  It is interesting to continue through this process of grief and figuring out what our new "normal" for life is.  And the things that continue to ambush us as we go through life.  Like at our new house the other day as I was cleaning the floors and just about was crying to know how much I was missing my Dad and the things I missed talking to him about.  How much  he would love my new house and how excited he would be to be a part of it.  He would love to have taken my son and gone traipsing up through the rocks hunting fossils and gold or cool rocks and cougars.  But we have plans for a Merry Christmas although he isn't here.  I wonder how they celebrate Christmas in Heaven?

Gaining Ground

Laying Carpet

 We have been busy, busy this last few weeks but have made huge progress.  It is funny to think that 3 weeks ago, I had no sheet rock.  Just insulation.  Now I have sheet rock and paint.  We finished trimming the windows and doors last week and they look beautiful!  Used Alder wood for all the casings as I found it on a really good deal as door casings.  We had to rip them down to size but they are so pretty.  I didn't realize what a good deal I had gotten on them at 50 cents a food until we went to get some wider pieces for our window sills.  These were $50 for a 10 foot stick in Alder.  WOW!  We went with Cedar as it is much cheaper.  It looks just fine at about 1/4 the cost.

The carpet guy came on Tuesday and successfully put carpet down in all appropriate places.  It looks perfect.  Totally matches my paint and trim is a good fit.  Then we set all our kitchen cabinets and started on the bathroom and laundry and other cabinet locations as well.  We have been putting in long days, but it has been fun as well.  Especially to be able to know we are almost done.  Appliances arrived this week as well and we got them all set in place.  The big excitement for the week thou was turning on the lights!  The solar guys finally finished and we had power.  The batteries were not all charged up so it only worked for a while but it was so nice to turn on the lights. 

Staging area for trim

 Crispin was able to come back a couple days this week as well and we got a lot done.  We put
cabinets up and we started on the resilient flooring downstairs.  It looked so good with our carpet and trim and everything is tying together so well!  The floor is a bit darker than I had pictured but it really does look like old barn wood.  The darkness of it really is making the knots in my Alder trim stand out and it is beautiful.  We used the chop saw and rip saw for cutting it instead of the Utility knife recommended in the directions and it worked well.  Again I was getting my workout running up and down the stairs.  But it was fun.  Then Cris and Nick came one day that they knew I wasn't going to be there and quite surprised me by getting the whole upstairs flooring completely finished.  They had to have been flying!   

The Crews

 We have been BUSY this last few weeks.  The other day I counted 11 different vehicles at our place working on various things.  Yesterday we had the Solar guys there, and the electricians, and the well pump setter as well as my A team one man and his "elf" crew.  I am the elf.  We were putting up trim.  The basement is done.  All the doors in the house are hung.  They look so good.  We are ripping Alder 1x6's and using them for the trim.  It is beautiful!  The doors are Alder as well and the effect when finished is stunning!  We are planning to finish up the trim today and then hopefully set cabinets this evening.  So that should be fun.  I am at this point seriously not expecting to be in by Christmas, but we are sure giving this project a good shot. 

We have laughed and found annoying or interesting many parts of this project.  We have found that there are various levels of competency of subcontractors.  We had a crew come build our shed and they did a fine job, but I wouldn't have wanted them to build my house.  The electricians can put up lights faster than I could get the box open.  The solar guys are taking longer than I thought possible to get stuff done.  Cris can give me measurements to cut trim faster than I can think and cut with the chop saw.  We have been having a lot of fun though.  It is starting to look like a real house and that is exciting.  I think we are all ready to be done with the project and moved in.  I am having fun learning how to use and become somewhat profficient with all these power tools!

Decking. . . Sheetrock. . . Paint. . . Doors

Our deck is done.  It is huge and beautiful and took FOREVER to screw on, but now it is finally done!  We were waiting for the sheet rock guy and so we hired a friend to help us on our deck.  He came and knew what he was doing and had fun building our deck.  I helped him a lot.  I was the go-for elf.  I got to use the new cordless 18V drills and really liked them.  We had a lot of fun working together and got a lot done at the same time.  I  would do school and then come over and work on the deck with him.  Dustin was working on water lines.

This last week we finally got the sheet rock and mudding, taping and texture done at our house.  Today, we painted and hung doors.  Things are really moving along although it seems like forever but really it isn't.  I don't have inside pictures of the paint because it was quite dark and I was quite white by the time we were done.  But we had fun and we got it done. 

No more walking thru walls!

 Sheetrock arrived this week and was installed! Cant walk thru the walls any more at the house.   Now am waiting on another inspection - a sheet rock one before I can mud, tape and textures. But it will get done this week.  I hope to have a painted interior with doors hanging by the end of the week.  Will see if that happens or not.  :)  The porch roof arrived finally this week as well so that side of the house is finally almost done now.  That should finish up the exterior.  Will be great.  We worked on the water lines getting them buried and glued together and everything this week.  That has been a project and the rain is actually not helping.  Though it is very muddy now.  All that dust in the summer has officially turned to muddy mud. 
 Sticky muddy mud.  Fun for little boys though.  Our friend

who came over today brought his son and our two boys played all day!  They had a ball.  The weather was not too cold and so they wandered all over the hills, rocks, pastures, explored forts and just had a ton of fun.  Dustin worked on the water lines and Cris and I worked on the deck.  We got about 1/3 of the way done and had a good rhythm going.  I also cleaned up a bunch of sheet rock dust.  I am not trying to do a really great cleaning job as the next job is mudding - which just sounds dirty!  But I was at least cleaning next to the walls.  I think I will have to finish that tomorrow though.  Am also planning to put down the tiles for our hearth pad and work on the deck.  Should be fun!

Thanksgiving!

Baloons bound for Heaven

We all celebrated Thanksgiving this week.  It was a fun week and a good holiday, but rather odd and interesting at the same time.  Went over to my Moms new house for the holiday.  Stayed in a hotel which was nice, but odd.  Emotions for all of us were right below the surface and we could all cry at the thought of a hat being dropped.  Missing my Dad intensly.  Seems as we are hitting these major landmarks it is just hard.  Last year at Thanksgiving we were all reeling in shock and were at our other parents for Thanksgiving because Christmas was already planned with my folks.  But by Christmas Dad was using a walker and now he has been gone for 7 months.  Seems so hard to beleive.  We sent him Christmas and Thanksgiving baloon notes.  Mom had liked our idea for Dads birthday.  This time there were more of us and more baloons.  We let them go at the park and I am sure they found thier way.  It is just such a hard reality that I cant see him again.  Or until I get to heaven.  I still find myself wanting to call or expecting him to drive up and then reality hits again.  Raw reality and Raw emotions.  But we saw a sign while at my Moms on a church billboard that was so good.  It said - "Get Rich Quick - Count Your BLESSINGS!"  It was so true.  Good reality check.  We really are so very blessed.  I have a family who is loving and supportive.  A Church family who are loving and supportive.  Friends.  A wonderful new place that has lots of work built into it, but lots of potential.  A God who loves me.  A warm house.  Three meals a day.  A car.  And a huge deposit in heaven that while I never would have made that deposit now, he is there and I know it.

New Pictures

 I realized that I have not updated picture for a while. Things have been changing rapidly.  We have sided and put the porches on.  There is not decking down yet, but we are working on that.  We have it there now.  So that is a good start.  All the siding on the sides except for the west is all on and mostly caulked as well.  We have the board and batten look.  It looks really good but it a lot of work for starters.  I have caulked a lot of seams.  But am using the BIG STRETCH caulk.  It is stretchy and interesting to work with, but goes on well.  A bit messy.  But O well.  All plumbing is roughed in.  We passed our electrical inspection on the first go around!  Yeah!  I guess we are pretty good electricians.  The HVAC guys finally got their stuff done and that was nice.  They did a good job and we should have

a nice warm house.  I am excited to have insulation in as well and we should be sheet rocking this week and mudding and taping and texture.  I hope to paint the inside this coming weekend.  The outside should be painted this week sometime and so that

 will look good as well.  I think the whole house will fit more when it is all painted.  We are
 painting it a color called "straw hat".  Kind of matches the dirt colors.  We have been very

blessed to have many people helping us on this big project.  Some with good advice and some with labor.   The other day my Mom told me to be sure to insulate my bathrooms.  This would keep the sounds down from inside and outside them to not feel like you were in a public restroom.  We thought this was great advice and took our extra bits of foam insulation and put them between all the studs around the bathroom.  I am sure we will like the effects of that wisdom for years to come.  We are actually starting to get excited about this house.  We are feeling like there is a light at the end of the tunnel and we will finish.  I am pushing for a pre- Christmas move in.  I am planning to set my tree up over there.  One of our framers, who used to be a custom home builder by trade has offered to take some days off from his company to come help us on our house.  He is a get it done guy and I am sure if we had him for a week, we would get a lot of stuff done! What a blessing!

Pushing . . . Waithing . . . . Pulling . . . .

We decided that we could save a lot of money by pulling our own wires for our house.  While I think having a good electrician, and up to code electricity is a very good thing, lets face it pulling wire is a truly grunt work and at $65/hour I can work a little slower and get the job done.  I am not the one getting paid that wage, my electrician is.  I spent lots of time crawling around under my house knocking out knockouts - what a wonderful invention - and poking wire through holes.  It was fun as the beginning of this year in science we were learning about electricity and current and things like that and now we had the opportunity to really make circuits.  We hope!  Reality will show up tomorrow as we have our electrical inspection.  I even pulled wire today for a wired speakers for our TV.  I kind of laughed though as I was pulling them because we are so not that technologically advanced and it would be a huge leap if we were ever to actually use them!  But, you can only have those studs open one time, you might as well pull the wire. 
School in the mornings and early to mid afternoon arrive to work on the house.  It has been an adventure.  The other day though we had a very efficient and effective contractor show up.  He was needed due to a miscommunication about what was needed as far as holes in the foundation to run ducting through.  So he came out and drilled some.  He showed up in a huge truck with a big core drill.  His drilling leavings looked like core samples of my foundation which is exactly what they were.  It was very fun. 
The plan is still to be in by Christmas.  So to do that I need to get the house painted inside and out. After the sheet rock and insulation is all in.  Cabinets in. Trim up.  Doors in. Flooring in.  Plumbing fixtures and trims all set in place.  Closets up and the closet maid hangers in.  Pantry ready. 

Before windows

 The windows are supposed to go in tomorrow.  How cool is that!  Well actually it will be nice because it is actually fall and the leaves are starting to change and make us think it might cool down here soon. I love my dining room and living room.  This is truly a great room!  Not in size necessarily, but in view.  It is truly incredible.  I cant wait to move in!  We should be putting in windows and doors soon and then hanging siding.  I painted a couple of patches of siding with my paint options.  I am sticking with the one I thought I would like.  It is the best.  Today the shower and the bathtub arrived.  I got 

a mud room deep sink on clearance and found a couple of great deals on doors.  So that was helpful. Now I just gotta come up with hardware for the doors.  Planning tomorrow to begin pulling wire for outlets and stuff.  Should be fun.  The weather is supposed to be beautiful.  The crew today was putting the last boards up as sheeting on the roof of my porch.  My house is looking like a real place.  It has been such fun making it look so nice.  The inside will be a lot of fun as well.  But a lot of work to go until we get to do that!  But good things come to those who wait and who work! 

 

Looks like a HOUSE!

I went over to my new house today - I forgot my camera!  So sorry!  But I had so much fun.  Walking through the house and realizing that it is really happening.  There is a house there when 2 months ago were a few colorful flags in the dirt!  The roof was finished being sheeted, the guys were putting up the porch trusses.  The inside walls are all framed.  There were black plumbing pipes in and now I know where my washer and dryer will be.  My HVAC guy showed up today and figured out his stuff too.  I am planning to meet with the electrician on Friday and we are pulling wire  for outlets and lights this weekend.  I think the siding is going on starting this weekend as well.  Windows go in Friday.    It is fun watching it all come together and look like what I have pictured in my head.  It looks so good!  We painted a small section of the wall today with the wall and door and possible trim color.  I didn't really like the trim.  So might go back to my other option on that.  But that is why we did a small bit of siding that will be covered up!  :) 

Sleeping Bags

When most of us think of sleeping bags, we think of warm, cozy, camping, cloth, nothing really sentimental but hopefully good fun memories.  I am beginning to realize on this 6 month anniversary of my Dad's death, how many things he touched in my life.  I feel like the ripples of the pond that is my life, just keep clashing with life.  Someday maybe it will settle back down again, but will be never the same again.  The shoreline has changed, and I have a new island in my life pond that is the rock that was thrown in of my Dads early - to me - death.  Anyway - back to sleeping bags.  When I was little I remember my Dad and older brother coming home from a camping trip - winter scout camp - where they had both froze!  They did not have good enough sleeping bags and got very cold.  I remember Dad, going out and buying 2 warm sleeping bags. One was huge - the other a warm good quality sleeping bag.  He got teased about the huge one by all of us, simply due to its size, that is, until one of us went camping or hunting or something when it might be cold and we asked to use it.  I don't think any of us ever were cold in it.  Neither was Dad.  He had wanted to not get cold camping!  Fast forward several years. . . . . After being cold once while camping Dad wanted to help others avoid that plan.  I know of several boy scouts and others who he either straight out bought sleeping bags for or gave them some work so they could get a good warm sleeping bag.  Last year at hunting season we were talking about sleeping bags and how it was probably about time to get one for my son, a good warm bag.  We didn't go to Cabelas that day and get one, but we talked about it.  This year as hunting season was rolling around, I realized that  getting a good warm bag for him had not got done last year.  While he has a sleeping bag, if we are ever in a place where we think he might be cold, he has always used my sleeping bag.  It is one Dad bought with me before my first Mongolia trip.  It is a WARM -30 down bag.  I love it.  Never have gotten cold in it.  It just wasn't the same going shopping for a sleeping bag with my son.  I felt like someone was missing on our shopping trip.  I know it sounds silly, but it was how I felt.  Yes, life will go on.  Yes, he has a nice warm bag.  But it was just kind of an odd thing to realize and think about.  Something that ambushes you.  Sleeping bags - Who would have thought! 

Framing . . . Trusses . . . . Sheeting . . . . O My!

We have interior walls now and lots of framing going on.  Things have really been moving in the last few weeks.  Perspective is a funny thing though.  To us the framers seemed like they were flying along, but to them, they are moving slow.  They are house framers who now work for a pole barn company.  But by trade are house framers.  They are having a fun time building our house, but it has been a bit challenging for them to build a pole house.  But they are enjoying the challenge.  We have been enjoying getting to know them and work with them.  The things we are going to do are


getting close now to starting and we are hoping to be pulling electrical wire next weekend.  Should be fun!            Any volunteers??        We are thinking that we will be moved in by Christmas, but we are shooting for Thanksgiving if at all possible.  But we will see how things go.  I have been loving finding ways to save on this house though.  Craigslist has been wonderful.  Found shelving and a kitchen sink - for under $100 instead of over $1,000! Found all sorts of things to save money on during this process.  That has been a project but a fun one.   Every time we are out at our house though we are marveling at how very peaceful it is.  So wonderful  No noise.  A few cows.  Just peacfull!  It has been a welcome balm to our souls.  We  continue to realize how much our lives are affected by our very long spring, but are also knowing that we must continue moving on.  It is hard to realize though that my Dad will never visit this house, and that he would absolutley love hiking over these hills and rocks and all, but never will.  I am finding I get ambushed by those thoughts and feelings sometimes and it is a painful reality, but still real.     

 

 

Ambushed at Hunting season

Last year at hunting season, my Dad was up here hiking all around and visiting, talking about life, the great trip we had to Mongolia last August, about his business and the neat things he could see coming down the line.  Now he is  getting to be in Heaven, and I am missing him here!  It is funny how people are so wrapped up in our lives.  I was thinking who would be coming for hunting season and was ready to have Dad here.  It was one of the "ambushes" that catches you off guard in grief.  I was not even thinking and walked my self right into it.  Of course almost every hunt in my whole life I have been with my Dad, so of course I would automatically put him here.  Last year he was on the floor in my son's room as we had a full house of hunters.  My Dad snored really bad and so my son had put on his shooting ear muffs to sleep in with Grandpa.  My Dad treasured all of us and was a cheerleader to all we did and had going.  He would pick out the how and whys of things and discuss them.  He loved to find what someones dream was and help them get there.  And I miss that!  I will miss our morning hike tomorrow as I go out with my son to hunt.  I will  miss him saying lets just wait here a minute and see what comes up out of this draw.  Pointing out things and just being here.  It will be an  odd year of hunting.  Not because it is too warm.  Not because it is already the end of September, when part of me is still figuring out my new equilibrium. No because my Dad isn't here to laugh and joke, take us up the canyon to see the rocks and put up No Hunting signs.  Simply because there is already a hole in the picture of the hunters.    

Framing

So, I am discovering again what I already knew - framing is MUCH faster than concrete work!  It is so nice to  notice noticeable differences every time I show up.  Very fun!  These guys have been hitting it hard and making progress.  Actually since I took this picture yesterday all these boards have floor on them now.  How does that work!  Well! 

I took them all brownies yesterday. 

Big Boy Playground

My Son is loving this house building project.  There is so many interesting things to see, do, help with and explore.  Today a big load of sand arrived to level the floor in the basement before we put down the radiant floor heat.  He was having so much fun playing in it, building caves, dumping it through the holes in his knees to fill his pants up with it, bulldozing it around and shoveling it from one place to another.  He has found a new "fort" as all boys need forts.  He has his dump trucks and road graders, bulldozers and diggers over there to play with.  He is having a ball.  Yes, we are keeping school a high priority and getting it done, but we are also enjoying long recess time at our new place learning about life.  When we lived in Mongolia, we built / remodeled a house there as well.  K was 2 and half at the time and completely enjoyed the process.  He pounded nails into whatever with his little hammer and drove his trucks and tractors many miles in the sand pit.  He is now getting the experience but is a bit more able to enjoy and remember than just play.  But life lessons are so crucial and important and it is amazing the things you can learn at a playground!

Good Taste

My husband has always laughed at me when we go shopping together.  We don't usually go shopping to much together as I am not a big shopper.  But, he always teases me about my good taste, I can go into any type - it seems - of store and if we are looking for a particular item I can pick out the most expensive or at least one of the most expensive without ever looking at the price!  Then I usually am shocked at how much it costs.  I have found that this extends into even plumbing fixtures.  I kid you not!  I went in to a plumbing store the other day and looking through a catalogue picked out the fixtures for my house.  Mind you, there were no prices in this book, as this is not a retail store.  I just picked out the ones I wanted him to give me a bid on.  O my!  I never knew that they made sinks  stainless steel, ordinary looking kitchen sinks for over a $1000!  Yes, I am serious!  REALLY!  I was shocked.  I mean really, you wash dishes and potatoes in this!  Honestly!  I guess it gave a new meaning to taking everything but the kitchen sink.  If I payed that much for a sink, I would take it with me!  Light packer that I am not withstanding!

School , , , House , , , Business , , , Life . . .

Seems all of life is so interconnected.  I feel that I wear lots of hats each day.  Wife, Mom, Teacher, Nurse to little oweys, Sister, Secretary, Librarian, Book keeper, Mom, Daughter,  Contractor, Swim Instructor, Maid,Aunt, Mom, Grand Daughter, Student, Party planner, Director, Counselor, Taxi Driver, Veterinarian, Board Member, Mom  . . . Need I go on ?

Pouring Concrete

Downstairs bedroom

Don't get my wrong, I love all my jobs.  I would not trade any of them.  Sometimes my head hurts from changing so many hats in one day!  I love being a mom!  I love schooling and learning so many new things as we go through life.  I just wish someone would level out that learning curve a bit on some of the new responsibilities.  I am pretty sure it is not curving back on itself, but sometimes it feels that way.  School this year is so far going SO well!  WE are having so much fun and learning so many new things.  It is incredible the amount of stuff I never knew or only knew until that test that has since escaped my brain . . . or is that what all these new gray hairs are from is??  LOL!  But seriously we are totally enjoying ourselves!  We are in the days of American expansion across the continent, slavery, mountain men, right before the gold rush, and the underground railroad.  Exciting and sad times in our history.  But so important.  We are also learning about electricity, and currents and light bulbs with small D cell batteries.  Hmm . . . I wonder if we could do our electricity for our house. . . . .

Moving on . . .  Our foundation is almost done!  Yeah!  3 weeks late!  But, concrete is slow!  I am thinking that the next step of framing and putting up the exterior is going to go so fast.  I would bet 10 days or so and that will be done.  So we are excited abut that!   Maybe we will get moved by Christmas . . . I am not holding my breath though!  I am having fun looking for good deals on fixtures and that sort of stuff for this house though!  That is the fun part. 

We are doing better with life in general.  I think starting school and getting a little more routine has been good.  Vacation is wonderful and we got to see and do a lot this summer, but, life must go on.  There are still lots of times per week that I get "ambushed" by something that has me ready to call Dad and chat about whatever, or however important or not the item is it is always the kicked by a mule feeling in your gut, that, OW, I cant just make that phone call any more.  Sometimes that just makes me cry.  And that is OK.  Even though I don't really like to cry, I do, and that is OK.