Getting Ready....

So when you go out these days everyone asks if you are ready for Christmas.  When you are shopping... meeting friends... at church... getting coffee... at the post office... out to eat... everywhere.  I guess that Christmas is coming whether I am ready or not.  I think I am a little more ready for Christmas than I was last year.  In this month last year I was building my house.  Putting in long and fun hours that would put the finishing touches on our house project.  It made for a busy Christmas season and while Christmas comes around every year on the same day, I kind of got caught off guard when it was Christmas.  My mom came over and we enjoyed a fun Christmas together but had been working hard too.  Our house was finished soon after and I was glad we had put in those long hours.  But getting ready for Christmas this year has been fun.  Have a beautiful home to host Christmas parties in.  We had a wonderful one last night. 
I know there will be a hole at our Christmas celebration.  A couple of them actually.  My Grandparents did not get the Christmas card that I sent out as it is hard to get them sent to heaven.  My Dad wont get one either for the same reason.   Trying to get ready for those memories as they are going to hit.  This makes all of the Christmas memories bitter and sweet.  Sad and fun to remember at the same time.  The memories hurt and bring tears at the oddest of times.  They make you wonder.  They make you want to run.  They make you glad for what you have.  There is a lot of life in the memories.  Lots of living.  Lots of things that have been gotten ready for.  My Dad got ready for heaven all his life.  So did my Grandparents.  Not that they were perfect.  We all make mistakes.  Do things wrong.  Do things right. But tried.  I guess we all get ready for life  and the occasions that it brings.  The legacy he left behind is going to continue on.  The memories and love will continue.

Sizes

Since my son was born we have always said he looks more like my husbands family and yet has the build of my side of the family.  When he was born he had feet much too long for those tiny newborn socks or shoes.  When we lived in Mongolia I could only buy his shoes at the German shoe shop.  They would send containers of used clothing and shoes to Mongolia, kind of like a thrift store that came to another country.  The shoes would be quality not found on the new shoe racks in the market.  If I looked at those shoes and would try them on my son, the shoes were about half again as wide as his feet were as he had such long thin feet.  As he grew I would joke with him that when he got to be the same size of shoes that I wear, I would go shoe shopping!  Well today we went shopping for some sandals.  Going on vacation and needed shoes that could do a beach.  We were trying on shoes and I realized that my 10 year old was wearing my size shoe!  Yikes.  I guess I better go shoe shopping or he will be outgrown of my size! 

Cold . . . Rembering . . . .

It has gotten cold here the last few days.  Plumbers and heating guys and electricians putting in long hours getting power, water, electricity back on to people who have lost them.  It was -11 here on Sunday morning.  We were blessed as all our vehicles started and the tractor has a cab - no heater - but still a cab to sit in out of the wind while plowing snow.  The 8 inches of snow we woke up to has definitely not melted.  So I have been feeding the fire and staying warm.  The cows are now getting fed and they seem to think that is a good plan for them.  They need those calories each day. 
 The baby calves are all so fuzzy and hairy.  Looking so cute and curious still.

As this fall has hit I keep remembering back to last year at this same time.  This week last year I was putting on the deck and going into the crazy month of December when we spent LLOONNNGGG days working on the house.  Painting. Trimming. Putting in flooring. Cabinets. Electricity.... all kinds of stuff.  Lots of fun.  Good memories made. Strong friendships forged. Laughter. Sweat. Tears. Blood. Pencils sharpened. Writing on the walls. Splinters. New drills. The day we finally had power.  The house still "shutting off". Driving in the dark both to and from our house. The absolute darkness at our new house.  Snowy roads. Birthday brownies. Generators running. Inspectors. Shelving. Friends. Tiles. The end in sight. Packing boxes. Lunches on the floor. Discovery of things new.  Mistakes. Questions. Lack of sleep. Fun. Laughter. Creating. I loved it.  I am still enjoying the benefits of it.  What fun and interesting times of life.  The way they change and mold us.  Would not change it for the world.  But how has it all changed me? 

Decorating.... Thoughts.....

While I am definitely not "Martha Stewart" I do enjoy decorating.  I have laughed at myself many times over the last year though as I have debated what needs to go where in my new house.  I realized today that a year ago this week I was screwing down deck boards and the sheetrock guys were making the walls no longer able to be walked through.  I still have several blank walls that I still have not decided what should belong there.  It has been an experience.  A fun one. Sometimes funny!

This year we get to celebrate Christmas in our new house.  We are getting a Christmas tree.  Today we hung up lights on my beautiful deck.  We set up the Snowy Village scene.  The Nativity Scene.  Got the Advent Calendar out.  The small snowmen.  Sorted through a pile of tree decorations and figure out where the tree should go in our house.  We had so much fun.  I realized that last year I did not do much for Christmas decorating.  We did have a tree - I have pictures - and I think it just had lights on it!  And presents underneath it. I was busy building a home.  The year before that was Christmas in Reno in a hotel around Cancer treatments.  I have pictures of this Christmas too.  Many in my head and heart and several on film as well.  One of those "lasts."  The year before that had been hosting Thanksgiving at the ranch and so I had kind of decorated for Christmas too.  But it has been a while since I had truly gotten to decorate for Christmas.  What a treat.  To celebrate for a month!  To have parties to attend.  Christmas lights to enjoy out on my deck.  Enjoy the sights of other decorations as well as I drive around town.  Interesting sorting through the memories as well as the decorations.  Several decorations that my Grandma had painted.  Some I had made or bought for my Dad and my Grandpa.  Realizing anew that they will not be getting a Christmas card from me.  That I could not call them up for any Holiday.  That life may be getting decorated and looking good but there are definitely still spots that cause pain. 

Christmas treasures hidden away in gift wrapped secrets. Music. Mistletoe. Wrapping. Surprises. Secrets. Phone calls. Family time.  Memories shared. Hot Chocolate. Apple Cider. Sledding - I hope! The Christmas story. Friendships built on.  Memories made.

Pond Views

During the last few weeks, I have been holding down the home front.  It has worked really well.  We have had a good time....  Played board games... built a model plane... Had a wonderful visit with my Mom.... watched some movies... Chopped wood... Delivered a couple of calves.... Oiled all the wood trim in my house - looks amazing! - organized the pantry ... took some time off.... Did some fun school. 
While I have been taking care of the cows and my nurse cow and leppy calves I drive by our small pond a couple times a day.  I marvel at the changes in the look of my pond.  Some days it is so dark the only thing you can see is what there is reflected in my headlights. Other times it is dark with reflections off the stormy clouds.... rain spattered ... wind blown .... totally peaceful .... Rocks thrown in making ripples small and large blossoming from the impact... calm.... reflecting... Sometimes I think that my life is reflected like that pond.  All those same feelings and emotions.  Sometimes roiling.  Other times calm.  Peaceful.  Tear spattered.  Rippling around with my life bouncing and hitting the impact of other lives and choices running into mine as well.  Lots of life happening. 
Interesting to see how life continues to be an interesting view.  So watch those ponds.  Enjoy the view.  Enjoy the sun rises and sunsets reflected in the water.  There is so much beauty to be enjoyed each and every day.  Enjoy!    

..... Trips .....

Got Dustin off on his trip today.  He is excited to be going.  We had to be in Boise shortly after 8 in the morning and so left early.  But it was fine.  We were a bit late, but not too bad.  As the airport parking is under construction it was a bit tricky to park.  But he got off and as far as I know is on his way to Mongolia. 
As we were in Boise so early in the day, we went on a field trip. We were as my friend put it "car-schooling". Partly doing reconnaissance for a field trip in the spring with a bunch of boys for Gold Rush Class.  We had a beautiful, amazing drive!  The fall colors were stunning. For about 20 miles following a river through a canyon with incredible views the whole way.  Gold. Red. Orange. Yellow. Some green thrown in. All beautiful. Some reflected on the river and all in amazing contrast to the browns and greens of the canyon.  An incredible study in the colors of fall.  I wanted to rent a convertible and go on a slow drive.  Though I do like my truck.  :)
We wandered through the streets of a town that was once the biggest city in the Northwest.  Now much smaller.  A bunch of historical buildings.  If those walls could talk I am sure the stories would be interesting.  From an old school building that is now the city hall, to a building that was for "Pestilence ward" - or quarantine for the seriously contagious.  An interesting museum built by the man who is called the "father of Boise".  A beautiful new library building.  A pioneer cemetery dating back to the wild days of the town.  1860's.  Over 3000 people buried in this cemetery.  Only about 300 in identifiable graves.  Some with history.  Many unknown.  Many with a story to tell.  Victims of murder, disease, and accidents.  Small children.  Young women. Old and young men.  From all over the world.  Rich. Poor.  Dearly loved. Unknown.  Makes you think.  Where would I fit in that list.  Not being morbid, just thinking.  All those people, the good, the bad, ugly, beautiful, young and old.  You can't escape death.  We should have the hope of the eternal life that comes after.  LIFE is Stronger than Death. 
On our way home we stopped and visited with some friends.  Then home.  We truly are so blessed.  We have wonderful friends.  Lives that connect with ours.  We live in a beautiful country and a beautiful home.  We have families that we can count on and care for.  Truly we are blessed.

Let your life lightly dance on the edges of time, like dew on the tip of a leaf. -Tagore

Processing . . . . .

Last Sunday I got another one of those phone calls. . . The kind you wonder about . . . The kind you don't want to get . . .  At church that morning a friend had mentioned driving by a bad accident on the way there that morning.  As we know a lot of people who drive that road . . . you wonder.  That afternoon I found out.  Good friends.  People I had know since I was a young teenager.  Both parents Gone. . . Driving to church . . . Instantly arriving in heaven . . . Hitting the back of a farm truck hard enough to break the axel on the truck and send it careening into a field. . . Tragic Loss. . . So Fast . . . No preparation - except they had been preparing all their lives.  Parents who were involved.  Loved their kids . . . Excited for some new grandkids in the spring. . . Helped the community . . . Involved . . . Ministers - in heart. . . Caring and loving. . . Funeral was yesterday.  Packed out facility.  Dustin estimated 550 or 600 people.  If there would have been a sharing and impact moments from their lives into each person in attendance - we would still be there!  Good service.  The kids all had the shell shocked look.  Of I have to get through this, but I am still processing.  Not even realizing how much this day will impact them for the next weeks, months and years.  Life changing.  John was so much like my Dad in many ways.  Never had met a stranger.  A minister in heart, but not occupation.  Someone who cared about people.  Would become involved in their lives because he truly cared for them.  Wanted to help them.  Cared about Who you were as a person and how you were doing as a person.  Would travel to see people  . . . Would give you a big daddy hug . . .  So yesterdays funeral was hard . . . Partly because of another big heavenly deposit made from my life . . . and partly due to the ones already made. . . flashbacks . . . A song . . . A word . . . A picture . . . Hitting way too close to the missing in my own life.  I find that the process of grief changes - but never truly goes away.  Things still happen that send you spinning.  Life happens and you wonder if your anchor will hold.  I guess that is when you are being held and carried.

http://www.argusobserver.com/obituaries/john-and-angela-hendricks/article_997ed8c4-31ca-11e3-8aef-001a4bcf887a.html?mode=story

Craigslist finds

I love Craigslist.  As I was building my house I found lots of high end items at low end prices on Craigslist.  My contractors teased me about my finds.  But they appreciated them too.  And as an involved home building homeowner it kept my per square foot price much lower than it could have been.  So I love to find good deals on Craigslist. 
As I have extra calves with no momma - except me - I went looking on - you guessed it - Craigslist - to find a momma cow for my calves.  I needed a milk breed cow one with enough milk production to feed 2-3 calves.  Most beef breeds will not do this so well.  But I really did not want a huge Holstein cow as to me they always look skinny and they are huge!  And sometimes not too good of disposition.  I found Jerseys and Brown Swiss but none ready to take a calf right now - or too far away.  Then one 1/2 Holstein and 1/2 Hereford.  A cross of the beef cow and milk breed cows.  Only 3 years old.  Came with 2 calves that are already 5 months old.  Only just across the border in Idaho.  I went and got her.  So far she is working great.  I don't have to mix bottles up for my extra calf.  He figured out where the meals come from and is quite persistent in getting his food.  She is not really thrilled to have him, but as long as she has some grain to eat she placidly stands there and lets him drink his fill.  He is thrilled to have a momma!  So I now have a milk cow.  Gotta love Craigslist.

Cows . . . Calves . . . and Travel preparations

About a month ago my husband told me that he would like to go back to Mongolia this fall.  Fine with me, but I was not going.  I loved our time in Mongolia. I love many people there, but did not have the emotional energy to plan a long trip on short notice.  So he is going.  As long as there is no irrigation water to move and I don't have to feed cows yet, I can deal with the cows.  They are calving right now though and will continue while he is gone.  So I get to play cow nurse.  Lately I have been playing Mom to some calves and hopefully that stint will be up tomorrow when I go pick up a nurse cow.  The theory is that she will take the two calves that I am bottle feeding and will raise them like a mom cow is supposed to.  As she is 1/2 Holstein she should have plenty of milk for the two calves.  Dustin is going to be gone through much of the calving time and so I have been working on his list of what I need done before he goes on his trip.  He is excited to be going.  I know he will have fun.  I will too.  As he and my son have been hunting over the last few weeks a day here and there, I have gotten all sorts of my projects done.  That has felt nice.  I have a list I am planning to do while he is gone too.  In addition to playing cow nurse. 

Friends

I have realized how blessed I am with the friends I have.  I have friends from college who together we have been through thick and thin times.  Laughed ... cried ... told stories ...  attended church with ....  Homeschooled ... gone to funerals .... vacationed .... business partners together.  So many things and so much history.  I have friends that we made in Mongolia.  People who we now contact on Skype and visit.  Dustin is going back to Mongolia to visit this fall.  I am sure he will have a splendid time.  Friends there that we built houses with ... Visited the Gobi ... lived next to in a Ger (yurt) ... Stumbled through language school with ... Struggled with the cold together ... Shared life together with.  I have friends who I have only met since returning to the states.  Friends that have watched as my life has shattered the last few years.  Friends who have given hugs.... shared coffee.... Vegetables from their gardens when I didn't even get one planted.... Watched my son .... Helped me stain trim boards .... caulk siding ... Build a deck ... Paint .... Trim .... live .... So many things shared.  I have gotten to watch and be with them through life happening in their lives as well.  New jobs... birthday parties ... Christmas .... Rodeos .... Quitting a job.... Helping others... Broken down cars... Sickness and death in their families... kids learning to drive ... Fishing trips... Life! 
I am so blessed and so amazed at the variety of people that are in my life.  Old friends who are close.  New friends with shared new experiences.  Each one bringing a new richness to my life.  Wanting to add back to others the rich blessing that my friends bring to me.  Each person a precious part of my life.  Wanting that richness to continue.  Whether I see and talk to them daily, or not,  I know that my life has been enriched by their love and sharing and by the memories shared.

Calves ... now a Leppy

We have fall calving cows  So we have begun calving in this last week.  I love baby calves.  I think that they are one of the cutest of the baby creatures.  With their big ears... gangly legs...soft noses ... curious eyes under long eyelashes ... they are cute.  When they grow up into cows they quite loose the cute factor ... but the first month or so they are pretty cute.  Generally our cows take care of themselves when they calve.  We show up to make sure the baby gets a shot and an ear tag.  To me this is a splendid system.  The mom cleans them all up, feeds them, cares for them, guards them.  The other day though my husband brought me a calf in the back of the UTV.  It does not seem to have a mom.  We think that there were twins and only one got claimed by the mom.  No cow is searching for her lost calf.  So now I have a Leppy Calf.  A calf with no mom to care for it.  I get to be the mom and feed it every so many hours.  Making sure it gets what it needs.  It was cold and hungry.  We made it a shelter in the pig pen out of hay bales.  He was pretty weak and I really wasn't too sure if he would make it, but he is getting stronger.  And now I think he will.  I gave him some medicine and good warm milk with electrolytes mixed in.  That perked him up and he is doing well.  As I was headed out in the dark to feed him I remembered running down the driveway to the barn to feed my bummer lambs as a kid.  A warm bottle of milk inside my shirt to keep it and me warm in the cold.  These were lambs in the same boat - with no mom to care for them.  It seems to be cold and dark all the time when you have to feed bummers or leppies.  Though now as I am the Mom, I realize that my mom must have fed our lambs during the day while we were at school.  Thanks Mom!  I laughed at myself though thinking that this is one of those things that I did not realize to put in my job description of living in the countryside and having livestock.  I guess I better add it. 

Turning 10

My little boy is gaining double digit age this weekend.  Still seems funny to me.  I am not that old am I?  Last weekend we went looking for a fun place to have a birthday party for a bunch of boys and boy did we hit the nail on the head.  They had SO much fun.  What a kick.  First we met for lunch at my new favorite burger place.  Family friends of ours run it and the burgers are AMAZING!  If you are in the area and want yummy food and fun people go!  Well worth the drive!
 http://www.urbanspoon.com/r/95/1708004/restaurant/Mom-Pops-Burgers-Boise
We had our camouflage cupcakes there and opened presents.  Of course this took some doing as there were fighter jets doing maneuvers and who wants to eat when you can watch that!  They were having fun.  Then we went down to the Idaho Military History Museum. http://museum.mil.idaho.gov/
Sounds boring - right?  That's what one of the boys told me.  I thought this was going to be a boring party - at a museum.  But it was SO fun!  Outside the museum there are about 7 tanks of various eras parked that you are free to climb all over.  A couple of jeeps.  A beautifully restored ambulance. An amphibious duck troop transport. A bigger troop transport truck.  3 jets.  You can be sure that after all together climbing in on and around all the equipment we soon had a small pretend war going on.  The boys and our lone girl divided into sides - which changed regularly - and with no props of any sort soon were re-fighting several wars.  They were running ... ducking ... "shooting" ... racing the tanks ... and watching for the enemy aircraft - the still maneuvering fighter jets.  They played for about an hour.  Got some water. Went into the museum and saw all the interesting things in there even asking questions and learning some history.  Then back out for more war games.  There was definitely no boring in this party!  They all had a wonderful time and played so well.  What a fun birthday idea this was.  These boys used their imaginations and played with tanks!  What fun.  Happy Birthday!

Fun Time.... visiting.... friends

Had fun visitors this weekend.  My Mom here visiting and we have had fun visiting... planning a birthday party for next weekend...  Going to a friends birthday this afternoon... Having another friend call out of the blue who was on her way through and stop by for dinner...Lots of fun...
Another visit was planned a few weeks ago at my Grandpas funeral.  His good friend was planning to come up to Pendleton for the Roundup and so I said well stop in and see us.  He said OK.  And it was settled.  How fun.  He  showed up at my friends birthday BBQ and started telling stories.  Some of my Grandpa, many of his own... had us all in stitches a few times laughing so hard.  He has traveled all over... done a lot... cowboy all his life... Gone on Safari... Helped tribes in Africa... Shot problem elephants... Lots and lots of stories... It was fun listening... Hearing about a life lived fully... It took me back in time though.  It seemed like I was listening to my Grandpa tell similar stories 10 years ago... Lively... Vibrant ... Brimming... Funny... Hearing stories and visiting with a friend who added richness to my Grandparents lives for years and now is adding to mine.
 It is interesting how life changes.  We meet people who become such a part of our existence that we can't picture life without them.  But looking back we lived without them for so long.  Now they add to our lives a rich fullness.  I am so grateful for the friends we have made ... for the lives so intertwined with ours that going for fun birthdays, coffee, Christmas, lunch, whatever is just part of how life changes and adds to the richness of all our lives.  I am grateful for the friends I have.  Those I call... see... text... Skype... regularly.  We all bring a richness and many blessings to a friendship. 

Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger, even though sometimes it is hard to realize this.    - Henry Ford

Trash and Treasures

I have heard it said many times that one mans trash is the treasure of another.  But sometimes it still is just trash.  We recently purchased some storage units.  They are in good shape structurally, but need some TLC.  Some cosmetic help.  Some clean-up.  So once more my friend Crispin and I were working on a project.  This was by far the dirtiest project we have done and we were so glad to be done with it.  Often we wondered why in the world people would leave _____________?  Several units had been totally abandoned and just needed cleaned out.  We rented a dump trailer and filled it 5 times in a day and a half.  You know it is bad when the ladies who weigh your truck in and out at the dump know you!   There was simply a lot of trash.  One unit was full of boxes of hangers.  Several of just garbage.  Stuff in boxes.  Stuff loose.  Bills. Pictures. Clothing. Papers. Toys. Shoes. A fake Christmas tree. Baskets. Boxes. Bins. More paper. Cans. Bottles. Tires. We did not find any treasure.  We were not looking too hard though.  We did look in the purses for money.  Didn't find any.  But we were not sorting.  We were not really interested.  We were cleaning out junk and fast.  It was hot and I am sure we did not smell too good.  I have laughed though at how many people have asked me if we sorted through it to find treasure.  "haven't you seen that show ...."  No I haven't seen the show and even if I had I don't think I would have changed my tune.  We were getting rid of someone else's trash and it was not treasure... just trash. 

When we were just down at my Grandpas funeral my husband went up to Grandpas neighbor who had been keeping some stuff for Grandpa.  We thought a box or two and two chainsaws.  Instead the whole back of my pickup was full.  And they did not bring some of the stuff that clearly was already just trash.  But maybe in the stuff he brought there would be some treasure.  There was.  Some of both.  Some tins of food - with my Grandma's writing from before her stroke!  At least 8 years old.  But antique tins.  Throw out the contents.  A bunch of tools.  Some I am sure belonging in a museum.  Treasures.  Trash.  Sometimes the line between the two is very fine!  And other times like at our storage units it is very definite. 

Reserve Tank

The truck I drove as a new driver had dual fuel tanks.  My Dad - who traveled many thousands of miles on many of those "in the middle of nowhere" type of roads told me to always switch tanks when your first tank was down to 1/4.  That was the reserve.  You still had 1/4 of a tank to get to fuel.  To not have to walk.  I used it a few times and was always grateful that I listened to that wise advise.  Once driving from Paradise Valley to Lakeview I planned to fill up in Denio.  There was no fuel there.  So either turn and go back to Winnemucca or keep going.  I used up most of my reserves on that trip but was glad that I had a reserve tank.  I didn't run out of gas though. 
I think all my personal reserve tanks have been drained in my life over the last three years.  I like having a buffer in my life.  That reserve that keeps me a ways from the edge.  A little protection from hitting the wall.  It seems that all of life has gotten more raw.  LIFE HAPPENS!  That extra five minutes that I like to have don't always happen.  The extra $20 in my wallet isn't always there.  I always seem to have tears though.  The extra bit of sure I can take on that responsibility or that project is definitely gone.  Life keeps happening.  Reserve is supposed to be there to soften those bumps.  To give the extra padding to a rough road.  To help you get to point B.  I think loosing two close Grandparents and a much loved Dad in under 3 years has drained that tank or tanks.  I get blindsided by people, things, responsibilities, questions, thoughts, ideas and just life.  It seems that all of life has many more twists and turns.  There are the "what - if" questions.  The I should or I shouldn't statements.  The Is this really true questions.  The is it worth it thoughts.  All those things that have been buffered by the deep roots of a deep reserve that is now down.  At church the other day we sang a song that said I will not be shaken.  But I felt like I have been.  Like my life has shaken to its roots.  Not that I am wavering on those roots.  But they have been shaken.  They are being tested.  Some days I fail and those roots pull up.  Some days the roots go in deeper.  But the reserves are in need of some space.  Some refilling.  Some time.  Some healing.  So I guess I need to learn to dance in the rain and the storms of life.  Get the tanks filled back up.  Get a Reserve tank filled again.

 

Life isn't about waiting for the storms to pass... Its about learning to Dance in the rain!

Heavenly deposits

This last few years, I have made some big heavenly deposits. It has thrown lots of curve balls into my life.  Stress... Grief .... lack of sleep.... all of the above .... throw interesting bits of LIFE into us.  I have asked more questions, gotten fewer answers over the last few years than any time of my life.  Had new challenges... New questions... Odd thoughts.... Crazy dreams.... Life is interesting. 

As I have gone through this time of life, I have signed up for a daily email about life, death, grief.  Always have interesting ones that come.  Letting me know that my current struggles are the same that many people have felt since the beginning of time. Today's was so true.  So simple.  The truth of the million dollar question.  How do I get to heaven?

The Road to Heaven  Day 279

Do you know how to get to heaven?

The Bible clearly states there is only one way to get to heaven: "Jesus answered, 'I
am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through
me'" (John 14:6).

A person cannot enter heaven through good deeds and moral behavior. You cannot enter
heaven by attending church or by having Christian parents: "This [is] not from
yourselves, it is the gift of God-not by works, so that no one can boast" (Ephesians
2:8-9).

Eternal life is a free gift from God, but it is only given to those people who believe in
and surrender control of their lives to Jesus.

"He who believes in the Son [Jesus] has eternal life" (John 3:36 NASB).

*Lord, I want to make sure that I'm going to heaven. And I want to live each day with the
knowledge of my eternal destination. Thank you, God. Amen.*
I know that sometimes I wonder.  I have questioned.  But the surety of that hope is what I have also clung to.  Accepting that gift. 

Sounds.....Scents ....Memories......

Three years ago while we were attending the county fair I got a phone call that jolted and changed my life.  Seemed to start the beginning of a time of stretching, growing, falling, crying, getting up, getting knocked down and out, a time of grief.  My Grandma, who had just had surgery, which had gone well and things were looking good for had gone into a comma that she would not awake from.  Last week, I got the same phone call, but this time about my Grandpa.  This was a little more expected, but still just as hard of news.  3 major people in my life all gone in a 3 year time frame.  I guess the light that seemed be getting brighter in the tunnel was another train.  I think that I will always have that feeling of being on a tilt-a-whirl now when I am at the county fair.  Like life is spinning out of control.  Hearing the screams from the "zipper" carnival ride in one ear while hearing that your life is changing in a drastic way in the other. 

Scent is a powerful memory trigger.  The fresh cut smell of grass reminding you of summer.  The smell of rain showers on sagebrush. The scent of roses. The smell of a nursing home. This evening my husband got out the chainsaw to cut a piece of wood for a friend who was over.  That scent takes me back.  All my life we have had wood stoves to heat our houses so wood cutting has always been important.  Both of my Grandpas were Tree Farmers.  The smells and sounds associated with cutting wood with a chain saw brings back flashes of memories from all my life.  Cutting logs with my Grandpa Glenn.  Trimming trees with Grandpa Gene.  Hauling wood with my Dad.  It was interesting as I was almost crying just because the load of memories that scent dropped on my heart.  I love the smell, but so many people associated with that smell have gone on before me.   The memories are good, but they still hurt.  My emotional reserves have been depleted.  The memories hit hard and at odd times for odd reasons.  Life is interesting. 

Life is a canvas - throw all the paint on it you can!      - Kaye

Memories . . . Pictures in time . . .

I was looking for  some pictures for a slide show tonight.  Looking back through snapshots of our lives over the last several years.  So many memories.  Good ones.  Sad ones.  Things that are funny.  A little boy with missing teeth. New puppies. Branding calves. Building a deck. Raking leaves. Sending balloon messages heavenward. Mongolia. Thanksgivings. Painting. School. Funerals. Visits. Trips. Whales. Lego's. Museums.  Rodeos. Lasts.  Gobi Desert. Pigs. Class projects. Christmas. Building. Snow forts. Sledding. Firsts. So many memories captured.
It is so true that a picture speaks a thousand words.  My son just put together a 5 picture collage of the fire we had a few weeks ago to enter in the fair.  It is a good set of pictures and truly captures what he found most intriguing from that fire.  The helicopters. 
I looked through these pictures seeing things that have changed so much.  People that have come into my life and mean so much when not so long ago I never knew them.  People who meant so much in my life that are now gone from me.  Life brings so much change.  Things happen.  Life Happens.  Sometimes it would be so nice to just be able to push pause.  Sometimes rewind or fast forward on life.  To see what is a bit ahead.  Or to be able to go back and say or do something different.  But we can't.  The wheels continue to go around.  What are the things that we will look back on in a few years and smile, cry or laugh about.  Life continues to happen.  Enjoy! 

 

..... Love Truly ..... Hug Tightly ..... Life Fully ..... Kiss Slowly .....

Sand . . .

Sand Blasted rocks.  People travel thousands of miles to see these truly spectacular and amazing works of art.  Created by sand blown and blasted for years at these enormous rocks.  Hollowing them...cutting them...wearing away at the weak spots... creating new cracks...working and wearing them down.  A thing of beauty.  A work of art.  All done with sand and wind.  No wonder we use a sand blaster if we want to get something truly clean.  Truly abrasive. We got to travel to Arches National Park near Moab on our way to a friends wedding in Colorado.  Our first true American Road trip.  It was fun.  We stopped where we were when it was time and we saw some incredibly beautiful country.  Impressive!  Spectacular.  Amazing! 
Another stop on this road trip was my favorite though.  We stopped at what is now a reservoir out of Vernal, UT and hiked about 1.5 miles in really hot weather to see big dinosaur tracks.  They were footprints left over from some bygone time when these huge creatures roamed the earth.  Talk about something you would not want to meet in the dark!  Or the light either for that matter!  Obviously they had walked through the wet sand which had then hardened and turned to stone and these tracks remain and the bones remain to bear evidence.  These were impressive to look at!  A bit scary to think of these creatures walking around right here.  But so cool!   


Kind of got me thinking though... Scary these days!  :)  Sand and wind are what wore away these great stones and while making them more beautiful also made them weaker.  What is wearing away at me? What sand and wind are beating on my life.  It seems there has been plenty of that lately.  Life throws interesting things at us.  How do we hold up to them?  Sometimes well.  Sometimes not so much.  But keep on going.  Knowing that this verse holds truth about how important we are to the one who created us . . . and the dinosaurs!

¹⁷ How amazing are your thoughts concerning me, O God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.    Psalm 139:17 & 18

He already knows what life is going to throw at us.  And what our reactions will be.  He knows when we will fall.  He knows when we will stand.  And is right there to help us up or cheer us on!

Birthday

I celebrated my 29 and still holding birthday this last weekend.  It was a lot of fun.  We went to a park party with friends whose daughter was celebrating her birthday as well.  So much fun.  Kids played and played in the water and on the slide and just had so much fun.  The adults had a great time visiting and getting to know each other better.  We had BBQ and yummy birthday cake.  Having good friends with which to spend your birthday makes the day just all that much better!  Thank God for fun friends! 

Fire . . .

View from my deck at 4 a.m.



 

From my driveway

During one of the hottest weeks I remember we got some added heat to our lives.  Monday night there was a dry lightning storm that started a fire.  The wind was blowing so hard that night with gusts of 50-60 mph.  The fire traveled about 5 miles that night growing, spreading, jumping, and skipping.  It crossed the river and kept on coming kind of dividing into two separate fires.  That was a little scary as it was rolling along very fast.  The road below us was closed to go further up the canyon.  Many of us had short nights as we figured out what all needed done and what our best plan for dealing with the approaching fire was.  We ended up taking up some fence that we had been planning to rip out sometime this summer but not this week, in order that we could bulldoze the huge sage that was in the fence line. 


The fire grew rapidly and was over 50,000 acres and 0% contained 36 hours after starting.  The weather was not helping either as the high on Tuesday was 111.   The fire fighters started showing up on Wednesday morning.  The weather was miserably hot!  And the fire just kept growing.  As locals we had been up at 4 or us most of the night and we were all tired.  Our ditch rider had spent the night in his truck and was waking people up at 4 when the wind picked up and the fire was making huge headway down the hill and we all wondered if our neighbors house would make it through the fire.  It did.  We all made it though the fire.  The crews had the fire contained by Wednesday evening.  What a nice relief to know when the fire was no longer raging. 

 

 A couple of neighbors had packed up their valuables in their trucks.  I packed a suitcase.  It is hard to know what to think about this sort of thing.   What do you  take?  What do you leave?  How much time do you have?  Will the fire really make it here? Makes you really realize that things really are so temporal.  We can not take them with us.  If I had my family with me, I would have all that was important.  All that really mattered.  Yes, I have some important things in my house.  Some irreplaceable.  Some valuable.  Some worthless. Some treasure memories. But my family is what is important and that is my greatest treasure.  

Protection . . .

Bike Helmets . . . Seat Belts. . . Alarms . . . Skid Warning . . . Fire Alarm . . . Childproof Caps . . . Car seats . . . Wedding Rings . . . Caution Tape . . . Pilot Cars . . . Traffic Signals . . . Good Friends . . . Designated drivers . . . Life Jackets . . .

It seems there are many things in place in life to protect us.  But it was interesting to me today as I was thinking how many of those things are in place to protect us from ourselves.  From bad choices we may make. . . .  From poor judgment calls. . . .  Driving too fast. . . . Taking a turn too fast . . . Not noticing a "bump" in the road . . . Forgetting to shut off an oven burner . . .  Being where you shouldn't be . . . Meeting the pavement headfirst when you fall. . . Reminders of promises made . . .

I took a back road across some BLM this week.  It is a pretty good road, but dirt and gravel.  Better than many roads we traveled in Mongolia.  My truck has a warning bell I hadn't noticed much before.  I have noticed that my truck REALLY wants me and the passenger to always have our seat belts on.  It dings at me for about 30 seconds telling me that.  Sometimes if I have my purse in just the wrong spot in the passenger seat it Bings at me.  A little annoying . . . but really it is for my safety!  But the alarm I hadn't heard much before was a skid warning.  It binged at me several times on this BLM dirt road trip.  I guess my truck thought I should slow way down for corners on gravel and was letting me know.  It was kind of a funny thing.  My truck was trying to protect me from myself.  Did I listen?  Kind of.  I did slow down some places.  Others I knew it was not a big deal.

Today my family realized again how much and how many things are in our lives to protect us from ourselves.  How easy it could be or would be or is to go down that slippery road of despair.  My Grandpa has been doing good - kinda - this week, but today feeling again that he was in a place he could not get out of.  So dark.  Scary. No one wants to be there. So for the next couple of days he is in the hospital where he can get some help.  Where people who love him can watch over him.  Can help him to be safe.  Can hopefully help him to listen to the BING . . . BING . . .  of the alarms going off that will help him to get his feet back under him.   Get to the safe place where his happy self is.

But just as any other method of protection . . . You have to choose to use it.  Put on the bike helmet before you crash.  Have the Kevlar vest on whenever you are on duty.  Change the battery in your fire alarm. Wear your life Jacket.  All these things need to be in place before the crisis.  If you wait to put your seat belt on until you are going down the road at 65 mph headed for the ditch it will not help!  If I choose to ignore the warnings . . . the protection offered . . . I have to suffer the consequences of that choice.  So look for the warnings that are there for your protection.  And accept the help!

Psalm 40

This last year and a half have been long . . . Had some good times. . . some really rough times . . . Life has hit in a big way.  At church today this Psalm was shared and it was so good to hear.  To know that many people since the beginning of time have felt this way. . . and have been able to know that life will go.  The struggles will pass.  The heartaches will fade.

Psalm 40 The Message (MSG)  A David Psalm

40 ^1-3 I waited and waited and waited for God.  At last he looked; finally he listened.
He lifted me out of the ditch,     pulled me from deep mud.  He stood me up on a solid rock  to make sure I wouldn’t slip. He taught me how to sing the latest God-song,     a praise-song to our God.
More and more people are seeing this:  they enter the mystery,  abandoning themselves to God.

^4-5 Blessed are you who give yourselves over to God,  urn your backs on the world’s “sure thing,”
    ignore what the world worships; The world’s a huge stockpile of God-wonders and God-thoughts.
Nothing and no one comes close to you!  I start talking about you, telling what I know, and quickly run out of words. Neither numbers nor words  account for you.

⁶ Doing something for you, bringing something to you— that’s not what you’re after. being religious, acting pious— that’s not what you’re asking for.  You’ve opened my ears so I can listen.

^7-8 So I answered, “I’m coming.  I read in your letter what you wrote about me,  And I’m coming to the party you’re throwing for me.” That’s when God’s Word entered my life, became part of my very being.

^9-10 I’ve preached you to the whole congregation,  I’ve kept back nothing, God—you know that.
I didn’t keep the news of your ways a secret, didn’t keep it to myself.  I told it all, how dependable you are, how thorough.  I didn’t hold back pieces of love and truth For myself alone. I told it all,
    let the congregation know the whole story.

^11-12 Now God, don’t hold out on me,  don’t hold back your passion. Your love and truth
    are all that keeps me together. When troubles ganged up on me,    a mob of sins past counting,
I was so swamped by guilt I couldn’t see my way clear.  More guilt in my heart than hair on my head,
    so heavy the guilt that my heart gave out.

^13-15 Soften up, God, and intervene; hurry and get me some help, So those who are trying to kidnap my soul will be embarrassed and lose face, So anyone who gets a kick out of making me miserable will be heckled and disgraced, So those who pray for my ruin will be booed and jeered without mercy.

^16-17 But all who are hunting for you—  oh, let them sing and be happy.  Let those who know what you’re all about tell the world you’re great and not quitting. And me? I’m a mess. I’m nothing and have nothing: make something of me.  You can do it; you’ve got what it takes—     but God, don’t put it off.

Someone elses fan . . .

So i am ready for the cow to find someone else's fan to do her business on. Seems I have had enough of it hitting my fan to last me for a while. It seems like as soon as something starts to settle to some sort of "normal" something else happens to throw the cart off the track again. Not that it's always a bad thing cause it isn't just not on the track I was thinking. Maybe that's the problem . . . My track. . .  Came over to Bend for the weekend to see my family.  Little bro and his family from Tennessee out visiting. Doing well. Fun kids. Helped Mom put together the shelving we took all apart a few weeks ago in Elko. . .  Stick some stuff in storage and prep for the business storage that's coming up in a few weeks. Visiting . . . Sorting . . . Picnic . . . Then a new thing. Grandpa is headed north to be with us all up here. Great. We all love our Grandpa and are thrilled to have him come up. How long? No idea. Maybe permanently living between our houses. How does that look? What's our game plan? No idea. Do we have one - yes - punt! And see where it goes from there. I guess this way we will never be bored. Not that I ever worry about that anyway . . .

Rocks . . . Treasures . . . Lizard homes

For the last year I have known we would have to come do this . . . And I have not looked forward to it. We came to Elko to go through the stuff at my Dads office. Wasn't quite as raw as last time. Only a small part of me expected to find my Dad at the office. But still a bit off.
We found a lot of rocks! Surprise! Surprise! As Dad was a geologist this was not surprising but a little funny. We found meticulously labeled core samples, boxes of example rocks to take to schools for science, unlabeled rocks, sample bags from all over the west, rock samples taken and catalogued before I was born. Some taken in the last few years. Fossils. Arrowheads. Shiny rocks. Dull boring rocks. Crystal geodes. Black obsidian. Rocks of all shapes and sizes with labels from meticulous to nonexistent. It was an interesting bit of life. Going back in time in rocks. Wondering on some what was the story here?Why this stone? What is this? Just interesting to look and wonder. We took some rocks for our landscaping project. Some went to a local school. Then many boxes of them became landscaping rocks in the backlot at Dads office. They are the beautiful new home to the quick little lizards that live back there. They are extremely fast and hard to catch. Fun to watch as they dart. But I doubt they care if there was once high hopes pinned on their new home. That at some point the rocks that now make their rooms were once thought to contain treasure.  And maybe they do or did.  It would be interesting to know the history of and what has happened since to the place where these rocks were from.  The stories they could tell would be interesting.  Who knows . . . maybe the lizards will hear them.

Songs

It is amazing to me how hearing a song can take you to a different place / time / age / whatever just by hearing them.  I have songs that I have heard or sang all my life.  I have songs that have meant something to me.  Songs I have shared with someone as "our song."  Some songs I listen to and sing along with.  Some make my heart hurt and I change the station.  Some I just smile and laugh with.  Some make me think of a special person in my life and want to call them or just miss them.  Some make me wish I could go back in time.  And I wonder what that person is doing.  One song I hear takes me back to a time in college that was really rough.  Room mate issues.  One of my room mates and I staying up late with that song on repeat.  Talking. Praying. Crying.  Another takes me to when I knew my Dad was sick and not going to get better.  Some came out while we were in Mongolia and hold special memories there.  One song I learned in Russian and I always want to sing it in Russian still many years later.  Some songs came out while we were building our house and so hold those special memories.  I guess the song does remember.  Transports us through time and memories.  Maybe when we hear those songs it makes our lives a little richer.  I read a saying the other day that I thought was good, "Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened."  May we enjoy those songs and the rich memories they remind us of.  May we smile because of the song and the person or the memories that make that song special to our lives.  Who knows  maybe the other person is listening too and together the memory is made richer.  So smile because it happened and the song does go on.  It doesn't have to be over. 

How Fun . . .

We had at least 40 people come to our Open House yesterday.  It was a lot of fun.  Visiting. Sharing stories. Yummy Treats. Good friends. Family. Thinking back over the process of building.  The fun. The work. The LATE nights and LONG days. Laughter. Memories made. Changes. Music. Learning how to do new things.  New skills.  Time with friends.  Treasure.  Lack of Sleep.  Lots of thinking.  The many things that are a part of building.  Some that are just a part of life.  A lot of friends came to share our fun.  Make new memories.  Some were not able to come and they were missed.  Some of our contractors came and enjoyed seeing the finished product.  A fun Thank you to all who came, who helped along the way, and encouraged us in the process. 

Farming . . . Trapping . . . Wildlife

Farming is in full swing right now.  We have finally gotten our pivots all working and now we are running water to irrigate as much of our place as we can at once.  It has been so dry this spring that there is not much grass anywhere.  We have some pasture that is sub irrigated by some small springs and so the cows are all doing fine but everything is still dry.  We are grateful for the water to irrigate with.  Hopefully by the end of the week we will have our last bit of irrigation water on.  I have taken on the job with my son of trapping gophers.  Our irrigation district has a $1 bounty on them so we have been trapping.  Decided that it is good we are not making our living off the trapping but we are getting quite a few.  As with most other things on this place the gopher population has not been a priority.  Trapping gives lot of walking - talking - and thinking time.  So we have lots of fun hiking around together.  Today we saw a deer doe and wondered if she had a baby hid out.  Sure enough this evening we saw her in the same spot.  We waited very quietly and saw a tiny fawn come following her.  It was only as tall as her knee and all spotted.  So very cute.  My son was entranced.  We just had some baby barn owls grow up enough to get out of their nest this last week.  It was thrilling to watch them grow and sit and watch us over the sides of their nest as we went by on the road.  Now they have grown up enough to leave it.  The chucker, quail, ducks, pheasants, red tailed hawks and golden eagles are all nesting right now too and we have all these on our place.  It is fun to listen to them all talking to each other and get ready to raise their young. 

House Warming . . . Open House

We are having our first official guests this coming week.  Like extra people staying at our house.  I am pretty excited.  I finally got our bed set up off the floor and a queen bed set up in our guest room.  And I have scheduled our Open House.  I am kind of excited about that.  It should be a fun afternoon.  A thank you to friends who helped up along the way.  New friends we have made.  I have talked about doing an open house since we started this whole project and so to actually have it on the calendar sounds like fun.  It will be interesting to see who all shows up. 

Peace

Since building our house one of my favorite places is my deck.  Many people have commented that this deck is the best part of my house.  There is cover and sunshine.  A beautiful view.  Some new flower baskets.  Solid footing.  Comfortable chairs.  A radio.  Birds singing.  This deck was a major project in early December.  Lots of fun time spent building it.  Good visits will be had on it.  Books enjoyed here.  Targets shot off the back.  Peaceful is a good description of this space.  I truly am loving my house.  There is a peace that resides here.  Not just on the deck, but on this place.  I don't and haven't always felt it, but it is here.  I can choose to walk in it or not.  I can accept it or run.  But it is there.  Always there.  There is quiet and calm.  Peace.  That is a lot like life.  There is always peace waiting for us.  Sometimes we are not there.  Sometimes we are not even aware there is a place of peace.  And other times we are sitting smack dab in the middle and don't realize it.  And then sometimes we choose to run from the PEACE to something that seems it may bring peace - but it doesn't.  Sometimes someone or something happens to my peace.  The things I have so carefully lined up that will bring peace get thrown into the fan to fall where they may and I am left to wonder what happened.  Some big storm comes in and it seems there is no peace.  But there is.  I know the Prince of Peace.  The God of Second Chances.  The one who always believes in me.  Who extends grace when I royally mess up.  Who helps me up.  Gives me some clean clothes to put on and then helps me walk through whatever is currently hitting the fan in my life.  Sometimes it is pretty messy.   But a friend and I were talking about Bible characters today and it was a fun and interesting discussion.  One of my favorite is the Apostle Peter.  Probably because I can relate to him.  I think that Jesus chose Peter as one of his disciples simply to give the rest of us following HOPE.  Because Peter was constantly opening his mouth to insert his other foot.  And Jesus still loved him.  Moses had an anger management problem.  And yet, he glowed from being in the presence of God.  King David had a Grandmother who had been a prostitute.  He killed one of his good friends after stealing his wife and yet was called a man after Gods own heart.  I think that God put these people and their stories in the Bible and has preserved that book over centuries to show us hope.  To show us that his hope conquers and brings peace. 

Mothers Day

Mom's Day was a  fun, different, tearful, laughter filled, Nerf-gun war, BBQ, kittens and calves, Good friends, New friends, wonderful day.  I enjoyed it.  Very relaxing.  Peaceful.  Life still feels raw at times.  There are so many reminders of Life. The two other women at our BBQ have recently had huge losses in their lives as well and we all are at various stages of that process on the road of what just hit my life?  Discovering one of the reasons God gives us friends is to help us along those rough spots in life.  So Glad!  I love the fact that I can call my Mom.  That we can visit and chat about life, and all the interesting things she is doing and we are doing.  That life does go on.  Sometimes I am ready for it to pause for a bit.  Maybe my brain could catch up!  :)  We continue moving forward though.  Time does heal.  But that doesn't mean it fills in the chasm.  It just builds a bridge over it.  I think.  My bridge is still under construction.  But the process is interesting.  The construction is different.  Sometimes it hurts.  Sometimes it brings joy and a smile.  A laugh. A tear.  All these are parts and pieces of the bridge.  Today was a fun day.  Spent with friends.  Laughing and crying together. Thank God for the days in life set aside to remember the Special People and special lives who have touched and impacted ours.  Happy Mothers Day!

Wrapping , , ,

Spring provides such a wonderful present each year.  We have beautiful flowers, green grass, baby colts, full creeks, wildflowers, Thundershowers, baby calves, nesting birds, and the list goes on.  It is like knowing that life does go on.  After every winter comes a spring.  Wrapped in the winter cold, snow, and dark is the promise that spring will come.  After the dark night there is always the morning.  After the thunderstorm there is a rainbow.  Every storm has to run out of rain.  It seem like there has been a lot of storms - on various levels - in my life over the last season.  So much of winter.  There has been some wonderful rainbows along the way.  Friendships made. Life lived.  Surprises.  Tears. Hugs. Good talks. Long walks. Prayers. Peace.  Love. Life. These are the wrapping that go on the spring of life too.  The bright spots in the winter and in the storms are to keep the hope alive.  Because every storm has to eventually run out of rain.  Then the rainbow gets to shine.  I love rainbows because they remind me of Gods promise.  There is always a plan of redemption.  I was reading Max Lucado the other day and he wrote . . ."before the sound of the crunch from the apple in the garden had faded away Jesus was on his way to the cross".  The plan of redemption was there and put into play.  In the same way God made the seasons of life and the seasons of the years to remind us and to keep reminding me to keep going.  The rain eventually will end.  I know there have been times I could just sit in a puddle and stay.  And then the sun would break through and I could dance in the rain.  But had to keep on going.  Spring is here. While some things remain in the storms of life other sections of life are breaking out and enjoying the sun.  Now we can enjoy those rainbow wrapped days.  I am sure there will continue to be storms.  But for now I can enjoy the sunshine.

Fences

It seems that no matter how good the fences are there is always a way to get out.   Or at least my cows are finding that to be true.  When we bought this place we knew it was a fixer-upper and it is proving to be true.  So all our fences need re-built.  Currently we have a bull who is totally out in the desert looking for some cows.  Our cows climb out of the fences on a regular day for no good reason except that the grass is greener on the other side even though it looks exactly the same to me.  A couple of our cows might go down the road all the way to the market just because they crawl fences.   It has been said many times and many ways that the grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence.  This often seems to be true.   My cows think so and I think we do sometimes too. In our lives it seems that life would be better if . . .  Or if I only had . . . If I had made  . . . . this choice or not made this choice . . . . If I only lived . . . . . or if I didn't have . . . Or if this had not happened.  Sometimes it is easy to look back at life and wonder if it was better.  Or was it just different?  What is Normal?  Normal life is something that seems to be non existent.  Many of my friends wonder what "NORMAL" is.  I wonder what it is. I have decided it I a setting on a washer!  What is normal for one is maybe not for someone else.  I feel like there is a new normal to life.  Would it be normal on the other side of some fence?  And would I really want that normal to be mine?  I think we are all in process of figuring out what our new normal is.  Today we hit one year since my Dad passed away.  Crazy.  I look back and wish I still had him.  So many things I have wanted to talk with him about this last year.  But now that part of my life is past.  I can't just pick up the phone and chat with him.  That is the reality.  Painful but true.  I can't replace that with anything.  I can just keep going down this path.  In this fence.  The grass really would not be any better on the other side of any fence.  Even if my cows continue to think that!

A year ? . . .?? . . . really?

I am kind of in shock that it is April again already.  Tax Day is next week.  I know I don't feel like it has been a year since I made my big heavenly deposit when my Dad passed away.  Some days it seems he has been gone for a long time, other days I almost start dialing the phone to ask him a question or tell him something funny.  I still feel my heart is pretty raw.  The wound is still very sore.  The missing is still very close to the surface and it doesn't take much to bring it on.  I think my empathy and understanding of life and people and the struggles, choices, wrongs, and rights of life have gone up in this year though.  I have learned that stress and grief and lack of sleep can really put you through the ringer.  Sometimes being an ostrich has a very big appeal.  Either sticking your head in the sand and pretending everything is fine, or taking off in a fast run to  . . . somewhere.  But also that sticking with it and keeping going is good too.  I still find myself wondering what the next shoe will be that drops in my lap will be though.  I saw a great sign the other day though that felt so true.  It read "Due to recent cutbacks - the light at the end of the tunnel has been shut off!"  As I have felt this way many times this last year  - or wondered if the light was the next train barreling towards me -  I thought this was a great sign.  But all at the same time this last year has had good things too.  I know we built a house - lots of fun but also lots of work.  Met lots of new people.  Moved to a great community.  Are almost through 4th grade!  I still can't quite believe that!  I think that this last year has made me think more too.  Taken serious thinking to a deeper level.  A friend and I were talking about life and choices the other day and it really was interesting a point she brought up.  Like we are all wheels with spokes going out and touching the lives of others.  If something happens in our lives it affects those spokes, those relationships and all those lives.  My choices matter.  It is like the ripples of water on a calm pond.  They keep going out.  Affecting other water.  Other lives.  So what choices am I going to make? I can affect others in a way that brings them closer to healing, closer to Christ.  I can bring friendship and caring.  I can bring love.  I can bring questions and concern for others.  Those are the ripples that I want to give off.  For those I meet to know that I genuinely care about who they are.  Simply because God had crossed our paths so that I could be a blessing to them.  It goes back to my favorite verse.  Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, Plans to Prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you a future and a HOPE!" God has a plan in mind.  I can't see it.  I can't see the end of the road. I have questioned the plan.  But I have clung to the HOPE!  Even when I was thinking that maybe my plans would be better, I could not let go of that Hope!  Even when it felt there was more harm coming the Hope is too strong.  The hope is sustaining.  That eternal Hope that now my Dad is enjoying!  The hope he shared with so many.  The ripples on the spokes of so many lives. 

Pencil Marks

As we were building this house, we did a lot of drawing on the walls.  Finding and marking studs, drawing straight level lines, writing measurements to cut trim, marking more studs, writing more numbers . . . you get the drift.  As a kid, I don't remember ever writing on walls, but we sure did in this house.  It still had the feel of a bit of a construction project.  One of my friends came over yesterday and we went around with small sponge brushes and erased pencil marks and scuffs and smudges with paint.  It is amazing the effect this has.  Instead of looking like a guy and his elf had gone pencil happy with a pencil, level and stud-finder it looks like a home.  There are no longer pencil marks telling us how high to hang the already in place stair railing.  No marks on the walls under existing towel hooks or cabinets.  It is so nice.  My walls look so clean.  So neat.  So nice!  It has been kind of funny and I have laughed at myself as I have been dragging my feet at hanging pictures on my beautiful walls.  I think I worked so hard to make them look so good that I truly am having a hard time figuring out where to hang them.  And I don't want to mess up my walls!  So I finally just put all my pictures in my guest room closet and will sort and decide from there where and if I want the pictures up.  I guess part of it too is that where pictures go up matters in this house more than it has in others.  This is not a rental.  It is not - I hope - a short term house.  I plan to be here for a long time.  And it matters.  The other thing is that some of my pictures are from my Dads office and house, kind of weird to hang them in mine.  Others are some my Grandma painted and now I have them to enjoy, but also weird for the same reason.  I know it sounds funny, but processing pictures is also worth a thousand words.  Some thoughts and sometimes tears.  But good ones.  It is just part of the process of  sorting through life.

Another First

Happy St. Patrick's Day!  Happy Birthday to Dustin.   We hosted our first official gathering of friends at our house last night to celebrate Dustin's Birthday.  It was a fun event.  Potluck dinner with 4 families.  Lots of boys with lots of energy having lots of fun!  Ice cream cake.  Presents.  Yummy food.  Good fun visiting.  Some "old man" jokes.  A fun first hosting party!

Total Blindside

I have always known that smells and scents are powerful memory triggers, but this was brought home to me this last Friday.  My son is in 4-H and we were doing a community event.  As a group we were to meet at the local Assisted living facility and we were going to decorate a St. Patrick's Day cake.  Sounds fun!  Innocent! No big deal!  My son had been there before and knew where we were going which was good.  We walked in the front door to the reception desk and I was fine.  She pointed us off in the right direction and we headed that way.  As soon as we turned the corner, the smells of a care facility hit me.  They were not bad smells as it is a very well run facility, but just smells that exist in a place where people need care.  I had a hard time breathing, but from an emotional response to the hit of the odors.  I kept following my son and practiced my breathing as we went forward to the creativity activity room.  I had so not been prepared for the reality and memories the moments and the emotions that came with walking into an assisted living center that I almost couldn't cope.  I was shocked by my own reaction.  My good friend - a nurse - was not.  And we talked about it.  Once we were out of the hallway and in the activity room, I was fine.  We  had a fun time decorating cakes and visiting with the residents.  I did however  go out a different door!  

Chapters

Yesterday felt like a conclusion of a chapter.  And the opening of a new one.  Dustin began farming our land for the first time.  Getting things ready to plant and preparing the soil of our farm to be seeded to alfalfa soon.  That is an exciting and a little scary of a new chapter.  Venturing out and doing something on our own.  We have been so blessed by so many good neighbors who are willing to help, give advice and instruction.

putting up loft floor joist hangers

O how I love ladders.  And power tools. 

The conclusion - not really totally - but the feeling of - was on the house.  Due to a schedule change at work, I got my two elves yesterday and we worked hard all day to finish the BIG items on the never ending list of house projects.  This week we put our front and back steps on the deck, so we can get to our front door!  I even put out the Welcome mat.  Then we framed, sheeted, sided and trimmed the carport out so that it is now enclosed on 3 sides.  Lastly we put a loft in one of the 8 foot wide truss bays to make a storage spot in the garage.   My cousin - a landscaper - came over and we talked about the yard, fences, and ideas.  We strung our phone system cord up through the attic - finally! So now I don't have the Coaxial cable decoration thru my dining room!  Our house really looks like a home, and a completed project.  We are hosting our first official function this Saturday evening and having a few friends over for Dustin's Birthday - which is Sunday.  It was kind of a bittersweet day though.  This house project has consumed a lot of time and energy, but it has also been a lot of fun.  We have enjoyed the process and it was a little odd to realize that my list now consisted of mostly stuff that I am capable of doing on my own. 

Cute

So . . . this picture takes me back a few years.  I was not quite two.  At my Great Grandparents home for a funeral.  I don't remember the details.  I do remember catching turtles and it has been a family joke as to how big those turtles were.  I remember carrying them up the VERY long drive way from the small stream on the ranch and just how my fingers could barely touch and thumbs barely loop over the edges of the shell.  But my hands were small.  Now when I show how big the turtles were in my memory, they have grown along with my hands.  But still, my earliest memories is these turtles and carrying them up the driveway to the house.  My Mom sent this picture and thinking I was so cute sitting there with my big brother and my big turtles I thought it was too cute to pass up.

Leviticus

 

This year I have been reading through the chronological Bible. It has been interesting. Right now I am in Leviticus which while not my favorite book has had some really interesting things to say that have struck me at this point in my life. As I come up to and hit anniversary days and time frames for life over the last year it has been interesting to me to see how I respond to them. I know I am going thru the normal steps and bumps and falls that accompany grief but it is still not fun. I think as we moved and are now settling in at the same time as these anniversaries are hitting it is like a double whammy. Of life. I have had some of the most random thoughts thru my head. Some good. Some crazy. Some totally against every thing I stand for. But God is always right by me. no matter what I do. No matter what choice I make. Some choices may hurt me. Some may hurt Him. Some will bless both. But in Leviticus this morning I was reading about redemption. It was interesting how no matter what or why the person had to sell or give up their land it could always be redeemed. It just really struck me that God can always redeem us. He wants us to have all the riches of his kingdom. Sometimes I do something foolish and forget that for a while but He is always there waiting to help me redeem ME. He has extended so much GRACE.  He wants me to want HIM.  But he also knows that we are His creation.  He knows that we are dust and are totally going to fail Him sometimes.  But he loves us anyway. 

My Mom has been sending out notes to all of us kids over the last few months and it is always interesting to read them.  To see a bit of our corporate grief.  To see where we are at in life and know that we are not alone and that we are all OK.  To know that we are all different.  To know that we will all have good days and bad days.  Make good choices and bad choices.  But always be willing to extend a hand of love and of help and of grace and mercy to all who are around us. 

Settling in . . . Part 2

It continues to be an adventure as we settle into our new house.  We love it!  Still have not realy found anything that we really wish we had done differently.  It really has been so wonderful.  I love all the windows. I love watching the sun come creeping down all the ridges around us as it coms over the butte by our house.  When there is a full moon it is almost bright in the house.  I have been slowly unpacking and sorting.  I put all the boxes into our guest room and so from there the contents either gets put in its home or goes away.  So nice!  It has been a major undertaking but has been refreshing too.  Only holding onto stuff that I actually want.
I have not got to too much decorating yet.  I have put up pictues in the cowboy bathroom which is right off the mud room.  That is really the only decorations finished rooom.  But that is OK!  I put together our school room which has been so nice!    Of course I used my new drills and not the slow process of a screwdriver to put all that furniture together.  It is so nice having a smaller school space that totally meets all of our needs. 
This weekend my friend and contractor came out and the two of us wrapped up the items on our "final inspection" checklist.  This was fun.  We have had a fun time working together on this project and getting to know each other.  And each others families.  Its been fun.  It is interesting to see who comes along in our lives at different points.  Sometimes wonder how these paths have crossed with so many people and what the big picture of the tapestry of life really looks like.  Am I doing what I can to encourage and help?  Am I being encouraged and helped?  It seems this last year has thrown a lot of curve balls at my life.  Some I have caught and some have knocked me on my rear and some have just hit me square in the face.  But it is interesting to continue walking in the light so that even when we fall down or are knocked down by life knowing we can alway get up and keep going.
We passed final inspection today.  We now can get our occupancy permit so we can actually occupy our house!  Since we have been for the last month . . . I guess that is a good thing. 

Settling in

My Word wall

living Room

Bar area from living room

School Room w/ reading chair

Cowboy Bathroom

Camo Bathroom